The following our courtesy of THE.OUTLAW!
=================================================================

I came across these 2, one ALL of can agree on and one for the Navy Boys
(personnel <g>)

... INCEST: When you cross a Snake with a Lawyer!
... Navy Pilot's Worst Nightmare: Lost The Carrier!
... The Information Superhighway needs more on-ramps!
... Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
... Alcohol, Caffeine, Nicotine, Chocolate: The 4 Food Groups
... Itsdifficulttobeverycreativewithonlyfiftysevencharacters.
... If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
... SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
... Mary had a little RAM -- only about a MEG or so.
... Divorce: System("echo y | erase \wife\*.*" ;)
... What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
... URA Redneck if you own more TVs than books.
... If there's anything I can't stand, it's intolerance.
... I did read the docs, that's why I'm confused!
... Four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant and Microwave.
... Old musicians never die. They just decompose!
... Answers: $1, Short: $5, Correct: $25, dumb looks are still free.
... Ura Redneck if you refer to your van as 'The Love Machine.'
... The problem can't be mine. I am the Sysop.
... Win if you can. Lose if you must. But always CHEAT!
... Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
... After God created woman, He atoned by creating beer.
... Hex dump: Where witches put used curses.
... If Love is Blind. Lingerie makes Great Braille
... Cats are hard on cars. Mostly when you chase them over curbs!
... BBSing is a lot like sex, except you never want to get off.
... Bureaucat:  A kitty who sleeps on your undies.
... Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
... If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
... For sale: Hourglass for timing Windows.
... Taco Bell is NOT the Mexican Phone Company!!!!
... If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go.
... Save a bird, help a dog... KICK A CAT!!
... USER ERROR: Replace user and press any key to continue.
... I dated Betty Crocker once, and she was moist and easy!
... At the prompt, remove the disk, spit on it, and retry.
... She offered her honor, He honored her offer!!

ART 2.0 +  When cows laugh, does milk come out their noses?
ART 2.0 +  Back up my hard drive?  I can't find the reverse switch!

... Money is the root of all evil.  For more info send $39.95
... The world is coming to an end - Online time has been adjusted.
... Unzip... expand... What kind of pervert came up with this?
... I have a vitally important role serving as a bad example.
... Barney is David Koresh reincarnated, I have proof.
... The sound of a SysOp reading mail:   <cr><cr><cr><cr><cr>
... Get a life?  Impossible, I'm a sysop.
... In God We Trust. All others get voice validated.
... A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

ACT 2.0 +  Habitual flamers have uncontrolled vowel movements...
--- ACT20-3-174370

The Bull's Tag + `There are three kinds of lies; lies, damned lies,
                   and statistics.'|  - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

--- ACT20-3-174370

The Bull's Tag + `There are more horses' asses in this world than
                   there are horses.'|  - Soderquist's Paradox

... I'm not at my Wits end, but I can see it from here.
... It's always darkest just before you step on the cat.
... The beatings will continue until morale improves. The management.
... Stop picking your nose and just read the next message.
... Taglines are never invented, they are always stolen.
... Remember When...Racing was Dangerous and Sex was Safe?
... How can I get this C= to run the rest of the house for me?
... SpamLite, half the calories, and all the chemicals.
... ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
... It's a bird- it's a plane- OH NO, it's the SYSOP!
... Actually, white people invented rap music....."SQUARE DANCE"

This one SHOULD be in the computer manual!...
... User:  Technical term used by computer pros.  See Idiot.

This isn't a Tagline, but it sure is appropriate thanks to Billary!
 * Origin: NOW only criminals can own Assault Weapons!  876-2036  (1:388/22)

... Ok, Sysops, Next week, we'll learn how to play the kazoo
... Schizophrenia beats sysoping alone.
... Underneath all these clothes.....I'm completely naked!
... Don't give me that kinkier-than-thou attitude!
... Are birth control pills considered recreational drugs?
... User Error: Replace user and hit any key to continue...
... Old days: Wine, Women, Song. Now days: Coffee, Computers, CD's.
... A Penny earned is a Penny owed (Probably to Uncle Sam)

* SLMR 2.1a * Purring... The sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

... If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
... Precinct toilets stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
... Way 1 to skin a cat: A weed-eater.
... Way 2 to skin a cat: A sander with 36 grit sandpaper.
... Way 3 to skin a cat: A Bic lighter and Gasoline.
... Veni, Vidi, VCR - I came, I saw, I taped.

SLMR 2.1a   **Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery!*
SLMR 2.1a   They say that John is `Just Nuts' about Lorena.

... JUNK: The stuff you get rid of.  STUFF: The junk you keep.
... Push red button to test, release to detonate...
... It said "insert disk #3", but only two will fit...
... Contrary to popular opinion, God's last name isn't Damn...
... I played poker with tarot cards: got a flush and five people died.
... Line noise? What fh=.hElL is.LinS nfise?
... ROTFLMAO: Much better than a Thigh Master!
... For Sale: Windows timer.  Needs sand.

:BABBLE v1.0b23: C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\RUN RUN\WINDOWS\RUN C:\WINDOWS\CRASH

... A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam
... Users: Keep them dry and don't feed them after midnight.
... Have a nice day - unless you've made other plans.
... Nothing is so simple that it can't get screwed up.
... The car's fine.  It's the loose nut behind the wheel.
... G=guns, PG=plenty of guns, PG13=more than 12 guns.

* SLMR 2.1a * If idiots could fly; Congress would be an airport!
* SLMR 2.1a * Punishment SHOULD be cruel and unusual, it works better.

... When your up to your nose in it, don't open your MOUTH!
... Where there's a whip - there's a way!!
... Okay, I pulled the pin... HEY!  Why are you running away from me!?
... When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
... Born *again*? Pardon me for getting it right the FIRST time.
... The political jokes we all laughed at have now been elected.
... All government is theft, some just steal less.

^ OLX 2.2 ^ Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!
^ OLX 2.2 ^ I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?

* SLMR 2.1a * Don't sweat the petty parts, pet the sweaty parts!

... Science help build better mousetraps, but nature builds better mice.

Smith & Wesson: The ultimate point and click user interface

... I've got places to go... People to annoy.
... Keep your best whiskey in a bottle marked "mouthwash". <Synners>
... !neercs ruoy fo edis gnorw eht no er'uoy ,egassem siht daer nac uoy fI
... Sysop love habits revealed: on the next "Geraldo!"
... IBM: It may be slow, but at least it's expensive.
... The Lab called... Your brain is ready...
... He who dies with the most TAGLINES wins!
... A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
... Wizards do it with magic wands.
... A KGB keyboard has no <ESC> key!
... "I don't drink water. Fish f**k in it"   - W. C. Fields -
... OTHELLO>..I feel awful. My girlfriend left..and my wife came back!
... Schizophrenia: better than dining alone!
... PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals

* CMPQwk 1.4 #699 * I t%ld yo%, "Never%touch %he flop%y disk s%rface!"
* WCE 2.0/2356 * Mail not found: (a)bort (r)etry (p)anic (b)lame sysop
... If you're not the lead dog, everything looks the same!
... Political correctness isn't.

* OLX 2.1 TD * Her sweater was so tight the men could hardly breathe.

... Drop your carrier ... we have you surrounded!
... I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words
... To some, it's a six pack.  To me, it's a support group.
... Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don't have film.
... It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
... I wonder if a file is naked when you unzip it?
... Spotted Owl: "If you've seen one... you've seen 'em both.
... Page your sysop at 3am for Free Prizes!
... My Rottweiler eats IBMs for breakfast.
... Coming soon: Netware for the Nintendo!
... If a dog bites you 1,048,576 times, is that a megabite?
... Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools.
... I shot the Moderator, but I did not shoot the Sysop
... The FACTS keep interfering with my theories.
... Children: The most common sexually transmitted disease.
... Vodka + Preparation H = A Pile Driver.   :->
... Sysop ('sih sop) n. The guy laughing at your typing.
... When 911 won't work .357 will!
... Beat me! Flog me!  Make me download naughty Gifs at 300 baud !!
... Honest Officer!  That cat as on fire when I got here.
... Don't ask me--I'm making this up as I go along
... The "Morning After" pill for men: it changes your blood type.
... Inflation? NAH! A dime STILL makes a good screwdriver!
... Actually, no, I won't respect you in the morning
... RAM = Rarely Adequate Memory
... Just when I think I've hit bottom, someone hands me a shovel....

* SLMR 2.1a * Don't anybody move... I just lost my mind!

... Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug!
... Nobody is worthless; anyone can be used as a bad example!
... A woman drove me to drink & I never even had the courtesy to thank her
... As King Arthur said: Some days it all seems so feudal.
... Elegant Frankfurter - A haute dog

* SLMR 2.1a * The cost of feathers has risen - now even down is up.
* SLMR 2.1a * Your E-Mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage

... Diarrhea must be inherited. It runs in your jeans.
... A bean supper will be held in the church basement. Music will follow.
... Where do you get virgin wool? From ugly sheep.
... Pope Goes to Mount Olive.  Popeye nearly kills him.
... TOON-TANG:  Wanting to have sex with a cartoon character.
... Error finding COLDBEER.CAN  Sysop not loaded!
... Sysoping: More fun than setting your genitals on fire
... Docs? Why would I want to look at the Docs. Nurses are better :)
... Member of Mother Murphy's Mansion for the Mentally Meager
... We came, We saw, We conquered.......... 8 bits at a time!!      :v)
... I'm not a crook, I'm ethically challenged.
... It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing milkbone underwear.

* SLMR 2.1a * If all else fails....Hit it with a Hammer!!!

... If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go.
... Never knock on Death's Door. Ring the bell and RUN! Death hates that..
... Profanity is the linguistic crutch of inarticulate bastards.
... I couldn't afford snow-chains, so I stapled Chihuahuas to my tires...

* SLMR 2.1a   I married a NUN -NUN in the morning-NUN at nite.

... 2 peanuts were walking in the park late at night.  1 was assaulted.
... Bad Planning: running out of underwear before you run out of week.
... Priests go out on the town and celibate.
... Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
... Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
... Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
... I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
... We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse.
... Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
... Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
... The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
... Did anyone see my lost carrier?
... I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
... He who laughs last thinks slowest!
... Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
... "More hay, Trigger?"  "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
... A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
... Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
... Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
... There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
... Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
... I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
... Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
... Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now.
... Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.
... I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
... Ever notice how fast Windows runs?  Neither did I.
... Double your drive space - delete Windows!
... What is a "free" gift ?  Aren't all gifts free?
... Assassins do it from behind.
... If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
... "Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes."
... Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
... Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
... Oops.  My brain just hit a bad sector.
... I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
... Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
... I don't suffer from insanity.  I enjoy every minute of it.
... The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
... Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
... The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
... When there's a will, I want to be in it.
... Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
... Few women admit their age.  Few men act theirs.
... I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
... We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
... All generalizations are false, including this one.
... Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
... C program run.  C program crash.  C programmer quit.
... "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
... I'd love to, but I have to study for a blood test.
... Happiness is bumping into Elle McPherson...   very slowly.
... Tried to play my shoehorn... all I got were footnotes!
... You're not drunk as long as you can hold onto the floor.
... I'm the normal one in my family (somebody had to be)!
... I'm just roadkill on the Information Superhighway!!!

^ OLX 2.2 ^ Chicken heads are the chief food of captive alligators.

* SLMR 2.1a * Cooking lesson #1, don't fry bacon in the nude!

... Chelsea Clinton is worth a thousand condom commercials.

* OLX 2.1 TD * * First Rule of Intelligent Tinkering - Save all parts

* SLMR 2.1a * Gun Control is a Steady Hand

... That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature.
... A cat's courage is as strong as a dog's chain.
... I hit my CTRL key, but I'm STILL not in control
... Old musicians never die. They just decompose!
... Hard Drive Crash..Sysop Strikes a Directory Tree
... Please return the stewardesses to their original upright positions
... Eve was the first carpenter; she made Adam's banana stand.
... I am woman! I am invincible! I have a headache!
... Cranial Rectalitis - the disease of being a butthead!

* WCE 2.0/[NR-1140] * Never take a beer to a job interview.

... He's not dead Jim ... he's 'metabolically challenged'.
... Did you hear what he said she said they said when they said it?
... How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog!

SLMR 2.1a   Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
SLMR 2.1a   My reality check just bounced.

... University: A modern school where football is taught...
... Veteran: Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force 1992 - 1942
... Hey Santa, how much for a copy of your list of naughty girls?
... The L.A.P.D. pulled me over, and they treated me like a King...
... Boy, that lightning is coming a little too clos%*:\@ NO CARRIER
... If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
... Senior Citizen Nude Beach ahead.  Watch for Golden Oldies.
... Multitask: make twice the mistakes in 1/2 the time.
... Armadillo: 'Possum on the half shell.
... Texas Speedbump:  An armadillo on the road.
... Paper is always strongest at the perforations
... You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. ```
... Ever caught yourself reading taglines and skipping messages?
... A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.
... I'm no stranger, just a friend you haven't met...
... She was so ugly the tide wouldn't go out with her.
... First rule of manhood: NEVER ask for directions.
... If things get better with age, then I'm approaching MAGNIFICENT....
... Not all men are fools ...  Some are bachelors!
... Don't be sexist.  Broads hate that.
... The mother of idiots is always pregnant.
... I don't believe in reincarnation, but in a past life I did.
... All I want for Christmas is a box of Smurfs and a mallet.

~ SLMR 2.1a ~ Why is Daddy crying? All I did was Format the harddrive!

... Who needs a cat to ignore them, I have a wife for that!
... Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

* OLX 2.2 * Columbus HAD a fourth ship--it sailed over the edge.

... New Mail not found.  Start whine-pout sequence? (Y/N)

* 2qwk! 1.25b1 * Karaoke is the Japanese word for "tone deaf."

... Whatcha got if a lawyer is up to his neck in sand?  Too little sand!
... A penny for your thoughts. $20 if you act it out!
... Yer motherboard wears combat reboots.

* SLMR 2.1a * I thought about being born again, but Mom said "NO!"

... Chicken Teriyaki: name of the only living kamikazi pilot.
... (D)inner not ready:  (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.
... Roses are red violets are blue, me and my lawyer are about to sue you.
... Freudian Virus:  computer obsessed with its own motherboard.
... FOR SALE: 1 set of morals, rarely used, will sell cheap.
... They're not complete idiots... several parts are missing!
... C program run.  C program crash.  C programmer quit.
... Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
... Chicken Teriyaki: name of the only living kamikazi pilot.
... Dogs look up to us; cats look down; pigs treat us as equals.
... The decontamination unit called.  You're socks are clean.
... An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
... KEYBOARD: Device used for entering errors into computer.
... COMMODORE: The people who put RUN and STOP on the same key.
... Modem.... A deterrent to phone solicitors.

--- ACT20-3-174370
The Bull's Tag + `When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the
                   other person isn't doing the same thing.'|  -
                   Unknown

... Friday the 13th XXIV: Jason takes the Enterprise.
... They're not complete idiots... several parts are missing!
... 90% of PC problems are between the keyboard & the chair.
--- ACT20-3-174370
The Bull's Tag + `You can never be sure how many beers you had last
                   night.'|  - The Heineken Uncertainty Principle

  MAGEtag Dhal * Madness takes its toll - please have exact change.

... No woman ever shot a man while he was doing the dishes....
... Pixel: Tinkerbell after the hormone shots.
... Marriage is like a tourniquet; it stops your circulation.
... Documentation: The worst part of programming.
... Why can't women put the toilet seat back up?

"For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and
 wrong."  --  H. L. Mencken

... When your up to your nose in it, don't open your MOUTH!

- QWKie v3.1 - You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

... Flying is the 2nd greatest thrill known to man. LANDING is the 1st!!
... The ATM just asked if I wanted to go double or nothing!
... Daddy, what does "Formatting Drive C:" mean?

* SLMR 2.1a * Shin: Device for finding furniture an the dark

... Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
... I have a dream... DIR C: 999,937,498,127 bytes free.
... And now, some words of wisdom:

DANGER! DANGER! Computer Store Ahead, Hide Wallet.

... Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
... If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
... Other than that, how was the parade, Mrs. Kennedy?
... Macintosh Error Msg: "Like dude, something went wrong"
... 9 out of 10 men who try Camels still prefer women...
... If it weren't for deja vu I couldn't remember who I am.

* SLMR 2.1a * Happiness is a warm RamLink!

... There is never enough beer, sex, or disk space.
... Men ware their hair 3 ways: Parted, Unparted, & Departed
... And now, some words of wisdom:

Error 005: Windows loading. Come back tomorrow.

... And now, some words of wisdom:
    If it's not broke, let me take a crack at it.

... Precinct toilets stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
... HELP!!! Mommy and Daddy are ruining the country! - Chelsea Clinton
... For Clinton, originality is the art of concealing your source.
... Prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
... Save toilet paper:  Use the other side!
... So, why don't they make mouse-flavoured cat food?
... Cogito, ergo Hormel - I think, therefore I Spam.
... Definition of the Wedding Ring- World's smallest handcuff
... Everyone has photographic memory. Some don't have film.
... One who farts in Church..must sit in his own Pew
... You don't know TRUE happiness 'til you're married. Then it's too late!
... I like the women's movement, especially from behind.
... I'd have written sooner, but I thought I owed you money.
... How come pizza gets to your house faster than the police?
... Never say "I'm game" at a meeting of the NRA.

================================================================================
The following are courtesy of N.ONEIL [Nate]
================================================================================

...I like work......Can watch it for hours
...Behind every woman is a man listening.
..."What are they?", said the Feminist.
...Saddle yer hoss before cussin th'boss. Love your enemies but keep your gun
   oiled.
..."One hand for the ship, one hand for yourself", says the Old Salt.
..."Seventeen million ---That ain't a lot of money if you say it fast," 
...Willie Nelson Beer...So much more than a breakfast drink.
...Men are like a hardwood floor.  If you lay it right, you can walk on it
   forever.  
...(Overheard in Luckenback) ...She doesn't look as busy as the men --
   she got it right the first time.
...The job of a Red Sox fan is to maintain a foolhardy belief in improbable
   things.............Bob Sullivan
...It would take a real man to be a woman.
...Be careful of the toes you step on today. The may be connected to the ass
   you'll have to kiss tomorrow.
...Every woman should marry --- and no man.......Disraeli
...Grow your own dope------plant a man.
...Hard work never hurt anyone-----but why chance it.
...I'm not bald-----I'm just taller than my hair.
...Drink upstream from the herd.
...Texas ain't no place for amateurs
...Never trust a skinny cook
...From here on the hills don't get any higher------ but the valleys get deeper
   and deeper.
...A Texan will spend more on his boots than he would on his funeral.
...Life's too short not to live in Texas.
...You know why they call it SEX. Because it's easier to spell than:
   Aaah  Oh-Oh-Oh Eeeeeeeeeeee Aaaaah
...It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
...If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it
   doesn't, hunt it down and shoot it.

================================================================================
The following are courtesy of D.Tuomi [Doc]
================================================================================

...What's the use of being an adult if you can't act like a child?
...A little tagline I found on the Amiga User Forum on Compuserve:
   SYSTEM FAILURE: could not execute command "RESUME PRODUCTION" could not find
   file "NEW OWNER"

================================================================================
The following are courtesy of Buff.Phoon [the Clown]
================================================================================

...What do you mean?  You actually read this Tagline?!?
...Never say "I'm game" at a meeting of the NRA.
...Click...Click...Click.  Shucks!  Out of Taglines!
...Clap on! (clap, clap)  Clap off! (clap@#&$NO CARRIER
...He then left in a Huff (A small German sportscar).
...Avoid junk mail, get an unlisted zip code!
...A cannibal only opens his mouth to change your feet.
..."An opinion is like a bunghole. Everyone has one." -- Mark Twain
..."Comedy's fun when you know the secret." -- Joel Robinson
...Knowledge is power - if you know it about the right person.
...HAL 9000 [Intel inside]
...If you are short of everything buy enemy, you are in combat.
...Tribbles who love Klingons...on the next Oprah!
...Smith & Wesson -- the ORIGINAL point-and-click interface!
...Why did Kamikaze pilots bother to wear helmets?
...The phone company is logical, Windows is fast and Hades has frozen over.
...SYSOP: The guy that is laughing at your typing!
...Computers don't get mad...they get even! [FILE NOT FOUND]
...I just took an IQ test.  The results were negative.
...To prevent splatter, cover dish before microwaving cat.
...Actually, cats are excellent at domesticating people.
...Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit!
...Cats get FLATTER the more you run over them.
...Cat missing?  Check my tires.
...CAT Scan: searching for a kitty.
...Cats: Nature's pop-up targets.
...Curiosity?  Nah, I got THAT cat with the lawnmower!
...Do invisible cats drink evaporated milk?
...Dogs come when called.  Cats have answering machines.
...ERROR! KITTY.CAT Virus Scan has exterminated the MOUSE driver.
...Had a cat once...tasted like chicken.
...How come our cat runs the house but pays no bills?
...I can't use Windows.  My cat killed my mouse.
...I fed some lemon to my cat and now I got a sour puss.
...I fed the cat...to the dog.
...I have nothing AGAINST cats.  Wouldn't get that close to one.
...I interfaced my cat to my radio.  I just got hiss.
...I'm busier than a one-eyed cat watching two mouse holes.
...If curiosity killed the cat, what did my car run over?
...If I throw a cat out the car window, is that kitty litter?
...It's sunning cats and dogs.
...Lot's of cats and no litter boxes means many CATasstrophies.
...More than one way to skin a cat?...use a belt sander!
...My cat has nine lives, but my frog croaks daily!
...My cat wasn't broke but I had him fixed anyway.
...Put the cat out?  I didn't know it was on fire!
...Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing.
                  -- Bernard Baruch --

...Politics is like football. If you see daylight, go through the hole.
                 -- John F. Kennedy --

...Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even
   where there is no river.
                           -- Nikita Khrushchev --

...There are two sides to every question, and to hold public office you have  to
   be for both of them.
...The keynote in a political campaign is the first one in the scale -- "dough"!
...Show me a man who sleeps during a political speech and I'll show you a
   bulldozer.
...If the truth hurts, how come you never see a politician wince?
...A politician is a person who never met a tax he didn't hike.
...Most political conventions are like a well-run meat market.  You have  your
   choice of baloney.
...A politician is someone who says, "A word to the wise is sufficient,"  then
   gives a 90-minute speech.
...A politician turned to a voter and with pride declared, "I'm a self-made
   man!"  "Apology accepted," replied the voter.
...Politician's political issues are true enough -- only their facts have  been
   made up.
...A politician lives a hazardous life.  One week he could be featured on the
   cover of TIME, the next he could be serving it.
...Politics is the most _promising_ of all careers.

                                  just CLOWNing around
                                         Buff Phoon the Clown

================================================================================
Some Halloween Jokes from Buff.Phoon [the Clown]
================================================================================

           H A P P Y   H O L I D A Y S!

           From  Bruce Wayne and friends


                          -.                       .-
                      _..-'(                       )`-.._
                   ./'. '||\\.       (\_/)       .//||` .`\.
                ./'.|'.'||||\\|..    )o o(    ..|//||||`.`|.`\.
             ./'..|'.|| |||||\`````` '`"'` ''''''/||||| ||.`|..`\.
           ./'.||'.|||| ||||||||||||.     .|||||||||||| ||||.`||.`\.
          /'|||'.|||||| ||||||||||||{     }|||||||||||| ||||||.`|||`\
         '.|||'.||||||| ||||||||||||{     }|||||||||||| |||||||.`|||.`
        '.||| ||||||||| |/'   ``\||``     ''||/''   `\| ||||||||| |||.`
        |/' \./'     `\./         \!|\   /|!/         \./'     `\./ `\|
        V    V         V          }' `\ /' `{          V         V    V
        `    `         `               V               '         '    '

    Please boycott Fruit Bat Soup for the holidays!




...What fruit does Dracula prefer?         Neck-tarines
...When Dracula arrives home, the first thing he puts on is his bat-robe.
...Some vampires think that Dracula dresses in very bat taste.
...What did Dracula think of his grandma?  He felt she was a real old bat!
.. Cross a monster with a parrot and what do you get?  I don't know, but when it 
   talks you'd better listen!
...Why did Jaws get a ticket? He was caught in a no-sharking zone.
...When is a Cyclops' eye not an eye?  When a strong wind makes it water.
...The apprentice witches are studying hard -- soon they'll have to take their
   final hex-aminations!
...How do you cut a dinosaur in two?  With a dino-saw.
...Grave-diggers are truly down-to-earth people.
...How do witches on broomsticks drink their tea?  Out of flying saucers.
...Ghosts prefer Moanday!
...What did Dracula say after he finished biting the young woman's neck?
   "It's been nice gnawing you."
...Young vampires love toys which are run on BATteries.
...What do young monsters love to eat? ... ice-scream.
...What should you do with a blue monster? ... Make an effort to cheer it up.
...I just heard that young Dracula loves alphaBAT soup.

...A wicked witch named Daisy
   Just sits -- she's very lazy.
   She has no cares,
   She sits and stares,
   Some claim that Daisy's crazy!

...Ghost trains stop at ALL manifestations.
...When is a turkey like a ghost? ... When it's a goblin'.
...Frankenstein was very talented.  You might say he was a man of many parts.
...How can I stop a werewolf from attacking me? ...Don't panic -- just pick up a 
   stick, throw it as far as you can, and yell, "Fetch, boy, fetch!"

...Buff Phoon: "I heard a ghost talk last night."
   Bozo: "What did it say?"
   Buff Phoon: "How should I know -- I don't understand dead languages."

...The art of spying on a ghost is known as PeekaBOOOO!
...Are jokes about Satan funny? ... They're HELLarious!
...If you cross a vampire with a midget, what do you get?
...A monster that sucks blood from people's kneecaps!
...Do you know what happened to the Egyptian pharaoh who ate crackers in bed?
   He became a crummy mummy.
...Buff Phoon: "Why don't you like Dracula?"
   Bozo: "Because he's a pain-in-the-neck!"
...If a spirit likes sailing, he should join The Ghost Guard.

...Knock! Knock!
   Who's there?
   Frank
   Frank who?
   Frankenstein!

...Name the skeleton that was Emperor of France... Napoleon Bone-apart.
...What do you call a stupid skeleton? ... A numskull!
...What do you call a monster snake that works for the government? A civil       
   serpent!
...Did you hear about the monstrous fat cat?  It drank 100 saucers of milk and
   set new lap record.
...Why was the ghost arrested? ... It was haunting without a license.
...Buff Phoon is not like the monster chicken.  It keeps using fowl language.
...How do you keep a monster from smelling? ... Cut off his nose!
...Cross a snake and a funeral and what do you get?  A hiss and a hearse.
...Where do zombies pick up their mail? ...At the dead-letter office.
...You can always trust a mummy not to give away secrets - they keep their
   knowledge under wraps!
...What is Dr. Jekyll's favorite game? ...Hyde-and-seek!
...Ghosts love music -- especially haunting melodies!
...What do you find in a haunted cellar? ... Whines and spirits.
...How do young spooks prefer their eggs? ...Terrifried!

...An automobile manufacturer once tried to cross a vampire with a Volks-
   wagen. He wound up with a monster machine that attacked luxury cars and
   sucked out their gas tanks!

...Did you hear about the invisible little girl who wanted to be a
   gone-gone dancer when she grew up?

...Where do zombies swim? ...In the Dead Sea -- where else?
...Cross a witch with an iceberg and what do you get? ...A cold spell!

...What's the difference between a tiny witch wand a deer that is trying to
   run away from away from a hunter? ...One's a stunted hag, the other's a
   hunted stag.

...Young Frankenstein loves to read - especially stories with a cemetery
   plot!
...The Devil went to a RETAIL shop to replace his lost tail.
...When do werewolves argue? ...When there's a full moon. They fight tooth
   and nail!
...Satan is a man who has to do lots of soul searching!
...Frankenstein was very talented.  You might say he was a man of many
   parts!
...Dr. Frankenstein does not get paid by the hour when making monsters.
   He does piece work!
...Dracula never got married -- he remained a BATchelor.
...Most Vampires are known to be simple-minded. After all, they're all
   suckers.
...Why are vampires completely crazy? ... Because they're all bats.
...What's a vampire's favorite dance? ... The FANGdango!
...Young Dracula's favorite soup is alphaBAT soup!
...What was young Dracula's favorite children's game? ... BATs Cradle.

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And...for Thanksgiving from Buff.Phoon [the Clown]
================================================================================

                   Thanksgiving Taglines

...We're having the same thing this year for Thanksgiving dinner as last
   year -- relatives!
...Our turkey was sick. All day long it had a thermometer in it.
...We had a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner. He sat on my right.
...Sign at a reducing salon: "Twenty-Four Shaping Days 'Till Christmas."
...If you crossed a centipede with a turkey then at Thanksgiving everybody
   would get a drumstick.
...Turkeys eat so little because they always end up stuffed!

                             just CLOWNing around
                                 Buff Phoon the Clown

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The following are courtesy of H.Herman1 [Howie]
================================================================================

...Bil Herd sys32800,123,45,6

  jopi@{stekt,zombie,paju}.oulu.fi    // CBM 8-bit FTP Admin x2ftp.oulu.fi
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
   This article is made using American spelling, European calendar, ISO
   standards, Swedish alphabetics and native punctuation rules. All electrons
   100% recycled. No Intel or msdos contamination. Not tested on animals. (-:

 --
 | You are now the proud recipient of a genuine Ralphey .sig!       |
 | Accept no imitations!  Keeper of the comp.emulators.cbm.FAQ!!    |
 | R.Alphey@dce.vic.gov.au : Ph. +61-3-651-3057  Fax +61-3-651-4073 |


 Having a problem w/ my modem.If u can read this,please send me $5 so i know
 i'm getting out. Thanks.

 A kindergarten teacher asked the students how many seeds are in an apple?

 A little boy asked his teacher how many apples are in a seed?

 Dave Haynie          | ex-Commodore Engineering |  See my first film Sr.
 SystemEngineer       |      Class of '94        | "The Deathbed Vigil" Scala
 Inc., US R&D         | C= Failure n. See: Greed |     info@iam.com


 ...      **** MICROSOFT WINDOWS V3.1 ****
      64MB RAM SYSTEM  38911 SYSTEM BYTES FREE
      READY.

================================================================================
The following are courtesy of CMD-DOUG
================================================================================

... How much is that doggie they call Windows?
... Intel inside - don't divide!

================================================================================
The following are courtesy of H.STEVENS5 [HaroldOH]
================================================================================

...Never hit your grandmother with a shovel, it might make a bad  impression
   on her mind.

================================================================================
The following are courtesy of D.PHELPS1 [Tim Phelps]
================================================================================

- QWKie v3.1 - What do you think I am, a programmer?
- QWKie v3.1 - Los Angeles Mayor Richard Riordan: Bakersfield is boring.
- QWKie v3.1 - Former C64 user: So the C64 can do high speeds; crow is good.
- QWKie v3.1 - Syntax? What uses would that kind of sales tax be attached to?
- QWKie v3.1 - PC: A TV set is a video monitor deluxe.
- QWKie v3.1 - I'm not shouting when I say OK. That's just AP style. :)
- QWKie v3.1 - Los Angeles: The transient city.
- QWKie v3.1 - Dennis Rodman: There's nothing to sightsee in Utah.
- QWKie v3.1 - Got a Novaterm or a QWkie problem, write to me. I might help.
- QWKie v3.1 - Will PBS's "Baseball" be the only baseball shown in September?
- QWKie v3.1 - I have five dozen taglines on disk.
- QWKie v3.1 - Former C64 user: The C64 was and still is a great computer. ---

...For sure I'm a valley boy. But like, I don't talk like one dude. 
...My taglines are original and homemade (usually). 
...Why don't people copy my taglines? Because they're copyrighted :) 
...A photographer is a still-picture specialist. 
...Could I get disc surgery at a computer repair shop? 
...The Commodore isn't an old computer. It's a classical computer. 
...How could a place sell Windows if they don't have windows. 
...Commodore DOS? Is that a Spanish computer? 
...I'm not a comedian but I act like one at home. 
...Oh oh.  Someone's playing that Mission Impossible them again. 
...Why have I never seen the TV show, "To Be Announced"? 
...When a station calls it quits for the day, is that the "Sign off Show"? 
...If people were to be objective, they would be robots. 
...Go ahead. Ask me a rhetorical question.